Darling, what do crystal pixie castles look like? Via my lovely friend Dave

Sometimes the UK government says or does something that surprises me. It is, however, rarely good.

Every worker in Britain, from the head of a blue chip company to an office or domestic cleaner, must accept pay awards in line with the government's 2% inflation target if Britain is to avoid a return to the 1970s, Alistair Darling declared yesterday.

In one of the government's toughest warnings on the need for pay restraint, the chancellor said that "each and every one of us, from the top to the bottom" will have to accept pay awards consistent with the Treasury's inflation target.

Really?! Really? How much did you vote yourself Mr. Darling? Oh wait, yes, you guys generously gave up your 1.5%. However, you're more than happy to take 40,000 a year tax free on top of a 60,000 a year salary when you scrap your second homes allowance. You know what? I don't get a second home allowance. My company doesn't even pay for my extortionate 122 pound a month train ticket.

And your inflation index is almost as far behind actual projections as your lead in Henley! What, what's that..... a whopping 9% for some?! (I know it's the Torygraph, but the data is good.)

So, you want me to take a paltry 1.5% raise, the number your screwed up inflation calculations give you, when in actuality my cost of living might rise by 9%. By taking your advice, I am losing money. Thank god you're not a stock broker.

Oh wait, what was that? That 1.5% is your dreamland target and the actual rate of inflation is 3.3%? So, you want me to take a pay cut this year? Is that it? So, what do chocolate waterfalls and candy unicorns taste like? Do you like having a pillow made of fairy elf hair? Because you're off in damned fairy world while the rest of us are wondering how the hell we're going to afford our extra taxed gin to drink the pain and stupidity of your request away.

The chancellor said: "Pay awards in both the private and pubic sector have to be consistent with our inflation target, which is 2%. It doesn't mean they have to be 2%. But if you look at wage increases overall at the moment they're running at just about under 4%."

Wait, wait. Right. So. You know, part of the reason I have a review and perform well at my job is so I make more money. Essentially Mr. Darling is asking all of us to possibly lose money or stay the same by accepting lower pay awards. Which means, if you take the good Chancellor's advice, you're never any better off. Ever!

Darling's strong warning came days after Mervyn King, the governor of the Bank of England, was forced to write an open letter to the chancellor to inform him that inflation hit 3.3% in May. King will have to write an explanatory letter every quarter as long as inflation remains above 3%.

The Bank governor told the chancellor that the increase in the annual cost of living was caused by global food and fuel price rises.

The chancellor seized on this yesterday when he said: "Unlike in the past, the inflationary pressures in this country are not homegrown."

Ok, so the inflation pressures aren't originated in the UK, but if we make less money it might stave off inflation? Really? Even though the UK consumer, presumably, isn't at all involved in what's causing inflation? Someone please explain to me how this works. Please.

Please.

Screw you Darling.

Darling begs Britain to accept 2% pay rises