For some reason hacks all over the world are convinced you must have dangly bits to enjoy games... despite a lot of compelling evidence to the contrary.
And with that conviction comes boring, tedious revellations about how to gain insight into a
man's psyche. Amongst other things.
I honestly shouldn't be surprised at the tone of this article. I mean, it comes from
msn.match.com which displays equally hard hitting articles in 'Love during the holidays' and 'He cares for women he's dating, but he's attracted to men. WHAT DO I DO?' (Advice from aunty Tiffany, he's gay for god's sake. See if he's into Erasure and have a grand time singing along to their greatest hits album.)
So, what do consoles say about men (!)?
MSN gathered some of the
desperate for money yet employed in decent paying professions, wait, attention seeking instead? great and good of social sciences and gaming to
tell us. Q: What does a PlayStation reveal about a dude?
Arinoldo: The PlayStation 3 may indicate that the user is any “early-adopter,” someone who likes to be the first on the block to have things. Owning the PS3 may also send the message that the person may have deep pockets.
Owen: This is your 21st-century individual who enjoys gaming and demands the best out of his experience—and probably his women. The PS3 guy enjoys life to its fullest. He is sophisticated, intelligent, enjoys competition and is willing to wait for a good thing. He is loyal as well.
Satterfield: This guy is in the know. He knows the right people, goes to the best restaurants and doesn’t wait in line to get into the club. This guy will be difficult to keep up with, as he is always working. When he’s not, he uses videogames as a chance to unwind and relax.
For one thing, who the hell says
dude anymore? Was this written by a baby boomer? How the hell will you gain insight into men from ages 18-34 by referring to them as
dudes? Hang up your slippers Grandma, it's time to watch your stories.
I'm impressed none of these esteemed panelists didn't just e-mail back and go 'LOLOLOLOLOL.' Especially the one from
Gametrailers.comArinoldo is the voice of sanity here. The PS3 is damned
expensive for what it is. Almost all the "exclusive" titles were quickly released on the 360. There ain't no point in owning one just yet. The other two are the primary reason I stopped reading
Valleywag. I refuse to interact, be it passively, with people who spout the crap Satterfield managed to peck. He's also, wrong, wrong, wrong. Anyone with a PS3 is definitely, decisively,
out of the know. In fact, one of the leading forum topics today from
his website is how PSx games look like crap on the PS3.
And what delightful information can they tell us about Wii owners?
Q. What does a Wii tell a gal about her potential date?
Owen: That he is selfish about his passion, but he knows the Wii is acceptable because of its social interaction functionality. He is smart enough to find a way to continue to game and not scare his date away.
Magnin: Wii says he’s a fun guy. The Wii-mote will force him to get up off the couch and actually get a little exercise while he’s playing. Of all of the consoles, the Wii is probably the best date machine, as a lot more of the games appeal to both sexes. Challenge him to a game of tennis or bowling.
Satterfield: This guy is not the typical slack-jawed, bleary-eyed gamer who wants to sit on the couch staring blankly at the screen for hours on end. You can rest assured that this type of guy is smart with his money as the Wii is only $250 compared to $399 for the Xbox 360 and $599 for the PlayStation.
Oh man. WHAT IS WRONG WITH CALLING MEN MEN AND WOMEN WOMEN? Aghhhh! The last time someone called me a gal.... wait, I don't think anyone has ever called me a gal. The closest was lass by an ex-coworker on a night out, he's from darkest Lancashire, he has an excuse!
So, Owen, CEO of
GGL (never heard of it, hardly 1up) in a desperate bid to attact more attention to his
copycat gaming site has pitched in. He thinks owning a Wii is selfish, despite a good portion of the games being designed for more than one player. Has he slept through Ninendo's advertising? Does he think Nintendo consoles still focus on
Duck Hunt?
Magnin chimes in with the voice of reason. The beast is briefly sated with common sense. I salute you sir. Even Satterfield sounds somewhat coherent in his response.
On to the 360!
Q. And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?
Arinoldo: There is a wide variety of games available through the Xbox 360... so one may be better able to find games in common with a significant other who may not be an avid gamer. Preferring the Xbox 360 may say that the owner is willing to play cooperatively.
Magnin: Xbox 360 says he’s probably into serious gaming. Take a look at his game stats. Ask him to show you how many hours he spent playing his favorite games. Many guys log 100 to 200 hours on their favorite games.
Satterfield: These guys tend to like extremely violent, visceral games, as well as the social aspect of connecting with friends online. They may be living out an active and social life through games, because they are a bit on the shy side. Xbox 360 fans tend to make good money and like to spend it. These guys are passionate about gaming and that transfers into the bedroom as well.
Oh Sean Satterfield, you are so full of crap. Since when does mastering Lego Starwars mean they'll be er, "passionate." God help the women that take this tripe seriously. I mean, I know the response here is like "It's meant to be a bit of fun!" but then, why write it?
I'm not sure if this deep analysis crosses over to the XX chromosonal in us, but the only newer console I have now is a 360. (I need a wee, but not a Wii. Ha. Ha.) According to Satterfield I am shy and enjoy violence. He's right on one count....
Labels: gaming, match.com, PS3, stupid, video games, Wii, xbox 360
