Ways I'm unlikely to die

The old horror movie cliche, woman brushes teeth/takes pills/puts on deoderant/grabs moisturizer and opens the medicine cabinet. When she looks up the ghost/serial killer/stalker/slasher/monster is standing behind her ready to pounce. And since this was embedded in my brain as a potential way to be killed, I've feared medicine cabinets.

But that was before I tested the probability of seeing a sinister face behind me after I finished moisturizing. I got curious, and with the help of my husband, my fears were tested.

First, here are our schematics. It's important to note that the probability of being killed by a murdersome creature in your bathroom is directly related to the room's size. In short, the larger the bathroom, the more likely the serial killer will have somewhere to hide. It's better to have a smaller bathroom to prevent medicine cabinet appearing murder.




First test: Brushing teeth and sneaking in from the hallway
Sometimes the killer approaches from the outside and comes in during a break in bathroom activities. Usually the victim's eyes are closed, or she's looking down or otherwise unaware of her environment. He sneaks in behind, she looks up and there he is ready to pounce. We discovered a couple things wrong with this scenario.

1. You're unlikely to look down for long enough to allow a human or otherwise corporeal monster to get in unnoticed. Looking down while spitting, closing eyes for eyeshadow or looking down to wash hands all take 30 seconds or less. The killer would have to cross the room and without the victim running in to them or otherwise noticing.

2. Noise. Tiled bathrooms in particular are great for acoustics. To sneak across a room in 30 seconds without the victim knowing would require an intimate knowledge of the surroundings. I couldn't manage to avoid creaking floor boards in the house I grew up in. A killer new to the surroundings would alert the victim.



Conclusion: Human or bi-pedal alien will screw this up. Ghosts and demons are still a threat. However, close the door when you're doing anything in the bathroom.

Second Test: From the shower

There's really only one place to hide in our bathroom that a killing machine would be interested in. And that's the shower. Home invasion by homicidal maniacs did not occur to me when we purchased our shower curtain, so it's an obfuscate friendly black. During this test I used a little bit of mouthwash, rinsed and then saw my husband trying to strangle me when I closed the cabinet. And I didn't notice There are problems, this is unlikely to work if the bathtub is wet and you don't have one of those little traction mats. You're safest if you've just showered and the killer is not waiting in the bathroom as you get out. I recommend leaving the shower curtain open when you're done cleaning up.

Conclusion: If the serial killer is thinking about logistics, this way works much better. It is dependant on the proximity of shower to sink and whether the shower has a door or a curtain. It might be time for us to remodel. It doesn't matter that we're renting.



Since performing these tests, I am less afraid of my medicine cabinet. So there we have success. I do really dislike my shower curtain. A special note, ghosts can get around all of these limitations.